It is said love evolves and on the subject, famous Dutch post-impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh was quoted: “Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.” Some of us may choose to live in a bubble when it comes to love, our romantic ideas of Prince Charming and ever after may never leave you entirely even in our golden years but what happens after ever after? Malaysia Tatler ascertains the truth of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s avowal that “love is what makes the ride worthwhile” by exploring how love ripens in five steps – courtship, engagement, new marriage, marriage with children and love in the golden years.

Alex Tan and Salina Teh
Exploring love

Courting couple Alex Tan and Salina Teh are quite content to be on the tails of matrimony for now. Salina laughs, brushing off the subject of marriage with a “No, not at the moment.”

Alex and Salina were introduced by her brother Salim, a good friend of Alex’s, when she went to London for her sister-in-law’s (then her brother’s girlfriend) graduation. “I have to say my first impression of Salina was not good at all. I found her to be very aloof,” grins Alex. Fascinatingly, Salina had a rather similar perception of him. But their lukewarm feelings for each other quickly changed when generous Alex came to her aid when she needed directions to her workplace in Klang. “From there we started to chat more online through Messenger. Also, through many outings along with my brother and sister-in-law, we got to know each other better and slowly our friendship blossomed into our relationship today,” reveals Salina, beatific.

Although the plan is to hold off marriage for the time being, both Salina and Alex know exactly what they want in a relationship. For Salina, it’s all about trust and a sense of security, as she believes they are the foundations of a relationship. “A sense of humour would be a plus point too,” she chimes in. While Alex simply says, “Firstly, I think chemistry is important because we must be able to click. There also must be mutual understanding and I like someone who’s nurturing too.”

The subject of love on the other hand conjures up different sentiments. Salina, a romantic, sees love as a fairytale. “I believe a couple is like two pieces of a puzzle that were separated and it is just a matter of time before they find the right pieces to be joined together again. Like when a princess meets her Prince Charming and they get married and live happily ever after,” she muses. Alex, on the other hand, shares a deeper romanticism, declaring love as loving without expecting anything in return.

Alwi Kamaruddin and Afifah Ariff
Making the commitment

On Christmas eve, just this past year, while holidaying in Europe, Alwi Kamaruddin proposed to his girlfriend of two years on the Spanish Steps in Rome. “How much more romantic can it get, right?” blushes Afifah Ariff, the niece of the Sultanah of Perlis. “He popped the question and asked whether I would marry him and I thought it was a big joke until he scratched his forehead with his pinky finger and it was unusually sparkly,” she continues, laughing. Jumping for joy, she said yes immediately.  Sealing the commitment was definitely far quicker than it took for them to become a couple. “I met Effie (Afifah) in Perhentian Island. I was there on vacation with a group of friends and she was part of the group, and a mutual friend introduced us. At one point I was kind of hungry and wanted to order a snack and share it with her, but she said, ‘Sorry, I don’t share food’,” laughs Alwi, a professional golfer who also manages several businesses in oil and gas, transportation, trading and very soon, a restaurant business that he is venturing into with his fiancée. “What can I say, I guess I like snobs,” he quips. Unknown to him, Afifah was quite taken by him. “And I was thinking, ‘Wow, who is that tall, dark and handsome guy in bright pink shorts rolling around in the sand. Is he for real?’” she doubles up with laughter. But ultimately, she knew that her relationship with Alwi was special and different from her past relationships. “Lui (Alwi) keeps me grounded and we share the same values and beliefs, which is very important to me. He makes me happy every single day,” she shares. Alwi in turn says, “I guess at this age, I know what I’m looking for in a person and I’m grateful God brought her into my life. This kind of happiness and joy can only come from Him. She has the kindest heart I know. Gosh, the list goes on.” At the root of it, love reigns supreme. “I’d say this is true love,” declares Afifah. “It’s when two people find unanimous compassion, interest and attraction to each other, forming a bond of emotional bliss with the illusion of a worthless existence without the other,” she defines.

Ravin and Rimi Binwani
Standing together

This April, Ravin and Rimi Binwani will celebrate their second wedding anniversary. They met four years ago in April on a fix up orchestrated by their families. Ravin is from the well-known Binwani clan that owns the high fashion fabric retail chain in Malaysia called Binwani’s. Rimi hails from Indonesia, the youngest daughter of Rup and Savitri Gurbani, and is a certified doctor.

“We met during a dinner set up by our families. It was my brother Vijay, his wife Sherina, Rimi and me. I think I don’t even have to explain how very uncomfortable it was – I hardly said anything,” says Ravin. “And I thought he had a bit of an air about him. I just didn’t have a favourable impression of him,” interjects Rimi, grinning. So they never kept in touch after that. Exactly one year later, Ravin flew to Indonesia for a friend’s wedding, and who does he spot in the crowd? As fate would have it, Rimi, of course. “It was a wedding of a good friend of mine. And I was shocked when he recognised me and actually made an effort to speak to me,” shares Rimi. This time, Ravin made sure to get her number. This time, sparks flew and a whirlwind courtship later, they were married. “My idea of love was butterflies in my tummy, bells ringing, Prince Charming and all that. I wanted to be swept off my feet and I was. I don’t think my take on love has changed,” shares Rimi bashfully. “The only thing I would add to that equation is compatibility. What is the use of being swept off your feet by someone you would not get along with? It would be a disaster.” Ravin gives his take on it: “Marriage has definitely altered my perception of love. Now I realise love grows and it is not that ‘feeling’ you have while courting. That was just an adrenaline rush, the excitement of something new. Love is a process and it builds over time. It’s when you realise that you care for someone else more than yourself. When you think of them before you think of yourself. That is love.”

Dato’ Amir Arif and Datin  Nora Abu Hassan
In the face of challenges

After 22 years of marriage, Dato’ Amir Arif and Datin Nora Abu Hassan, who met in Australia while studying in university, are the proud parents of three children – Najwa is 20, Nadia is 18 and Akmal, their only son and the youngest, is five. Like most married couples, with their own careers and children in the mix, Dato' Amir and Datin Nora have had their share of challenges that have tested their union. Dato’, the managing director of a property development company, Greenhill Development, recalls, “I remember especially when we had our first daughter, Najwa. We really struggled between having a career and a young child.”

While most couples with children will admit to a tendency to focus on their offspring while their relationship takes a back seat, Datin Nora, the founder of Children’s Cottage Kindergarten, explains, “That is natural, especially when they are younger. It was really difficult to slot in time for ourselves but there must be understanding and patience between the couple to make it work. All I can say is it gets better with time. As our two older girls grew up, it got easier to focus on us again, making time for more ‘together’ moments. Now, even though our youngest is still five, we’ve realised the importance of having our own time.” Dato’ shares one such moment, a surprise Datin sprung on him. “For our 15th wedding anniversary, she arranged for us to stay at the Ritz Carlton KL. She just said pack up your bags, let’s go.”

As time progresses, love does grow stronger, both Dato’ and Datin observe. “The reason is because we have learnt that even though we may be two different people with two different characters and personalities, we can still have a wonderful relationship.” She recalls during their courtship when she used to fixate on changing Dato’ into who she wanted him to be. “It’s just about learning to respect the other person’s model of the world. Love is accepting our partner for who they are – their aspirations, dreams and hopes that may not be the same as ours, but allowing them to grow to become the person they want to be. We both agree that our love is stronger now,” she admits. “When I was younger, my idea of love was a bed of roses – everything pretty with no need for nurturing and care. In reality, love is more than that. It needs constant nurturing and care for it to grow and flourish,” states Dato’ before adding, “And it’s not about who wins or who loses.”

Dato’ Seri Dr Ibrahim Saad and Datin Seri Zainab Kader
Standing the test of time

Dato’ Seri Dr ibrahim Saad and Datin Seri Zainab Kader needs no introduction. They are one of society’s most congenial couples and have known each other since they were children. Today, these childhood friends have come a long way. Five children and three grandchildren later, they will be celebrating a momentous 40th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. “We were friends for a long time. I was nine years old when his parents moved in behind our house,” shares Datin Seri Zainab. Growing up, the two spent a great deal of time together and with groups of friends, there were many joint activities such as playing outdoor games and going to the movies. Dato’ Seri and Datin Seri also discovered a common interest in books. “We love to read. So we used to share and exchange a lot of books,” shares Datin Seri.

Because of their long-term friendship, neither can pinpoint exactly when their relationship evolved to more than friends. But for a long time their bond was implicit and understood by their peers to be more than a usual friendship. However, between the two, the transition to official couple was when she was 17. Datin Seri Zainab recalls that only then did she start going out with Dato’ Seri on dates. “Before that it was always in groups and I think we were just friends. We used to go out for movies in groups or picnics but I remember no one dared to disturb me because they knew we were close,” laughs Datin Seri, who was also pursued by other suitors at the same time. “Even though, there were others interested in me, I was only interested in him because I noticed he was different from the others. He was serious about me and I also like intelligent men, so I knew he was definitely the one for me.”  Dato’ Seri pipes in, “It’s like a sixth sense. Your instinct tells you that this is the right person because everything fits and that is how I knew.”

So when she was 22 and he 25, they tied the knot. Now forty years after, they clearly are still very much in love. Their frequent bantering but quiet mutual understanding speaks volumes of their unyielding bond. “Love is not a zero sum game. In truth, it actually expands. See, when you get married, you love your wife and then you have children, it doesn’t mean you love your wife less and you love your children more. It just increases and over the years, as your family grows, your love matches up. If it doesn’t, that’s a problem,” explicates Dato’ Seri, adding jokingly, “It doesn’t mean if you love you car, that you don’t love your wife anymore too.”

Another important issue according to Dato’ Seri is that a couple should grow together, whether it’s spiritually or intellectually. “For example, when either the husband or wife grows intellectually and the other is left behind, communication becomes a difficulty and that’s when problems occur.” Quite obvious in their relationship is the ease and trust between husband and wife – one is not above the other and clearly their friendship never ended when love took over. “There must be friendship between a husband and wife. You must know each other and always communicate,” Datin Seri says.